I was washing myself, like all of our women. No man could stand to have the blood on him, so we washed. No man could stand to have the smell of the blood on him, so we washed. No man could stand to have the thought of the blood on him, so we washed. We washed and washed and washed and it made us pure enough for the man to come back to us again.
Only my husband was not coming back this month,as he was serving with the king’s army. So why wash? We wash anyway. It is a ritual that has completely enveloped us. After the bleeding, wash. I washed as I always did.
The king saw me wash, but I did not know. But he was not stupid. He had known other women. He knew what it meant. It’s a sign that the bleeding is over again and some think that’s a sign of safety for a while. He sent his messengers to take me back to him with them. I said nothing.
Back in my own room I waited. Like all of our women, I count days. The number of days is a key to a woman’s life. We all count them in ways that men do not. When the counting was done I sent my woman as a messenger to the king with my unused rages. I would not need them this month or for several more months. The king was not stupid. He had known other women. He knows about the rags. He questioned my woman about the rags. ‘She does not need the rags this month’. I said nothing.
Uriah came back from the army at the kings request. The king tried to play a game with Uriah. I was part of the game but I never got to play. Uriah didn’t know about the game and so he didn’t know how to play. He ate and talked with the king, he drank his wine. But Uriah did not come to me, even when the king jostled him and nudged and suggested. I said nothing.
Uriah went back to the army and the king sent orders. It was no real surprise to me to learn that Uriah had been killed. If I mourned Uriah it was because I had lost my safety, lost my cover story. I was no longer the wife of Uriah. The king was not stupid. He had plenty of women. He sent for me. The child was born: a boy.
The child died. It was no real surprise to me. Others spoke about it, from prophets to slaves asking why the king did not mourn when the child died. The king was not stupid. He had other sons. I said nothing.
The king came to me again. He had other women but he came to me. He claimed he thought it would comfort me. David was counted a wise king but I know the king is stupid. I said nothing. A child was born: Solomon. Now he would grow to be wise. I said nothing.
Janet Lees: 12.10.2020
